#NZBDSM Forum

When we first explore the concept of bdsm and D/s most people are overwhelmed to discover the level of honesty and trust that could over time be achieved with their chosen partner/s in roles of Dom & sub through communication and understanding.
Aswell as the community as a whole, in that we learn to trust each other in both scening and everyday interaction and everyone involved is well aware of the need for trust and honesty when wishing to embark on playing with others. The basis is there to act honestly and responsibly and to talk issues and limits through as adults so there are no excuses. It is after all peoples safety, emotionally and physically at stake here.
What happens then when one is betrayed by both their Dominant and a close friend/sub?
How does a submissive recover and overcome that when the basis of their involvement with each person was this trust?
Over time the sub will come to realise that they were not at fault here but that conclusion will take a painful twist. How does he/she trust anyone in the community again?
Of course the fault here lies with the two who chose to betray the sub in the first place, and not their involvement in bdsm. But I wonder if it does reflect on the community? How many other people waver honesty and trust in the pursuit of their kink?
The ultimate fault lies with the Dominant of course, he/she has the basis of a trusting relationship to tell their primary or to make the choice not to betray them, his/her actions will show them to be little more than the average joe, not worthy of the title Master/Mistress until he/she can fully grasp the concept behind a D/s involvement and make a committment to that within the limits he/she not only imposes on their submissive/s but themselves as well.
But what about the friend/sub, what responsiblitly does he/she need to have in all of this?
Submissives rely on each other for support, compassion, guidance, help, insights and friendship and confide beliefs, desires and concerns to each other. There is a need to establish what submission is and means, how others see them and how to improve and grow as subs and rely on each other for that, generally (blindly) without the fear that this level of honesty may leave them open to abuse by someone.
If a sub chooses to follow the path of betraying another sub, he/she does it even in the knowledge that it would have devestating consequences, as a friend that sucks, but we deal with that, people are people after all. As a submissive themselves however, they know first hand the level of trust and understanding that is required and to what extent a sub trusts in his/her significant other.
Embarking on a betrayal of another sub not only impacts on the sub hurt, but the submissive themselves. They have to live with the knowledge that they have betrayed one of the most fundamental facets of D/s and then forever live in fear that the same will happen to them when they find themselves in a Dom/sub committment. They will always be afraid that what goes around comes around, because they know they can not even trust themselves to behave with dignity and honesty, how are they ever going to trust anyone else too?
In my opinion neither parties can call themselves Dominant or submissive if they choose to do this or atleast kidding themselves that they are. A submissive does not betray another and then live happily ever after and a Dom is not one if he/she can betray the one person he/she has chosen to take into their arms and call them his/hers.
Perhaps before anyone looks at themselves and says I am Dom, or I am sub, they should consider very carefully what that means to them...they should evaluate every situation put forward to them and ask 'can I act with integrity, honesty and truth'...if the answer is no...then you are on the wrong website...or even more importantly the wrong lifestyle.

f|ower

January 15th 1999

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